pie-in-the-eye-200x150.jpgGreat break-up lines in Valentine’s Day history:

  1. “No matter what happens, I’ll always love you.”
  2. “I still want to be friends.”
  3. “You’re great, but …”
  4. “I don’t know if I believe in soul mates.”
  5. “I just need some time.”
  6. “Can I have my stuff back?”

If even the possibility of hearing one of the aforementioned lines exists, buy — don’t waste your time baking — a cream pie (of any kind), and have it ready (preferably to your right, unless you’re a lefty) on the table. No matter how cool the person thinks he/she is — getting a pie in the face immediately after trying to pass off something as stupid as one of these excuses might not stop him/her from doing it to someone else — but he/she will definitely make the next attempt over the phone. Consider this a public service.